Mama's Arms
by Marie S Zachary
Summary: Jared struggles after his mother dies.  Based off the Joshua Kadison song Mama's arms.  I don't own that or Monk AU


_Going back to a tender age_

Leland and Karen had three children. Max was four. Jared was eight. Jennifer was twelve when she had been murdered. It was a rough time for all of them but somehow they managed to get through it. They would always miss her. They would always love her. But they had come to accept the fact that she was in heaven now. It had been the hardest for Jared. Jennifer's death made him the oldest and a lot of responsibility he took on his own tender shoulders.

_So full of confusion and rage_

Now an accident had taken Karen too. It was so GOD-DAMN unfair. How was he going to tell the boys that there mother died? It wasn't supposed to happen. They had already lost their sister. Now they lost their mom too.

"I'm so sorry," Adrian said.

It pissed Leland off that Trudy had been in the same car with Karen and she had survived. Karen wasn't supposed to die. She was young. She was the mother of two- no three. Just because Jennifer was gone didn't mean that she was gone from their heart.

_Daddy says, "Boys your mama's gone"_

"Max… Jarred… I have to tell you kids something. Your mommy is with Jennifer now"

_There's a hand on your shoulder as your throwing dirt_

Max couldn't stop crying. It wasn't fair. Why did GOD have to take his mommy? Why did GOD have to take his sister? Why was this happening? He felt his father's hands on his shoulders.

"It's going to be okay Maxie," he said comfortingly.

_Someone says time heals the hurt_

"Time heals the hurt," Adrian said

Time heals the hurt? Time heals the hurt! TIME HEALS THE HURT! What the hell did Adrian know about hurt? Every night Adrian would go to bed and his wife would be lying next to him. Every night Adrian would have his Trudy while Leland and the boys wouldn't have their Karen again… not for a long time. Tears filled his eyes and he thanked Monk but he still was seething inside.

_Little man you got to keep on keeping on_

Jarred promised himself he would be strong. It wasn't for his sake. It was for his brother's sake. Max had been through too much as it is. He put an arm around his brother as the little boy sobbed in agony and hurt.

"Max," he said, "do you want to know a secret?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Mommy's right here. We can't see her but she's right here"

"If she's right here why can't we see her?"

"She's invisible," Jarred said, "but we can see her"

He pointed to the rainbow in the sky.

"You see that rainbow right there?"

"Uh-huh?"

"That's mommy. That's her telling us to be good and to always drink our apple juice"

_But all you want is mama's arms_

As strong as Jarred was being for Max, Leland could see how tough this was for him. Karen and Jarred were really close. Jennifer was Jared's best friend and Leland knew how much Jarred missed her. He knew that this was going to be hard for all them but Jarred really had wanted his mother to survive. He would miss her hugs more then anything. Leland walked over to Jarred.

"Hey son," he said

Jarred nodded not trusting himself not to cry.

"It's okay to cry," Leland said, "Your mom and you were really close and I know you miss her"

"I do," he said, "a lot. Why did she have to go away?"

Leland felt tears welling up in his own eyes.

"It was her time," he said, "but she's in our hearts and she's in heaven"

"I know," Jarred said, "why doesn't that make me feel better?"

"Because," Leland said, "You love her"

"Loved her you mean?"

Leland shook his head.

"Love doesn't stop just because the person dies," he said gently

He paused another second.

"We're going to get through this," Leland said, "Max, you and I… we're going to get past this"

"How? It's so hard right now dad"

Leland stroked his son's hair. He knew how he was feeling.

"I know but it was hard when Jennifer died too and it was hard when Uncle Mark died but we got through that too"

"I still miss Jennifer. I wish she were back"

"So do I," Leland said softly

Leland and Karen once had a debate after a mother accidentally killed a man who was going after her child. Leland thought the mother should have been punished in some small way at least.

"_Come on," _Karen said, _"You would have done the same thing to the person who killed Jennifer"_

"_You're right," _Leland replied, _"but there's one difference"_

"_Oh what's that," _Karen had asked curiously

"_It wouldn't have been an accident," _Leland said

"We all miss Jennifer," he said, "and we all wish she was still with us but we'll see her again"

He held his son who sobbed.

"Mommy's in heaven now right dad?"

This was the first time in years Jarred had called his mother mommy.

_You ride back home in a limousine_

Normally the boys would have loved riding in a limousine. It had everything in it. It had a TV and a D.V.D. player. It had x-box and game boy. Max, still under the impression that his mommy was still here, just invisible was playing x-box and talking to "mommy" about how he was winning. Leland left it alone for now. Max needed that comfort. He needed to believe his mom was still there.

"Mommy did you know that I won Super Mario all 3 times in a row? I learned from you"

"The wind," Jarred said, "is her telling you how proud she is of you"

"When am I going to learn," Max asked

"It's okay," Jarred said, "I'll show you"

The whole ride home Jarred explained it to Max. The wind meant one thing. The rain meant another. Different sounds meant something else. Of course Jarred was just making it up. He didn't know what it meant but he did know one thing. His mother was watching over him and his brother. She was proud of them. She loved them.

He was trying successfully to keep Max distracted from his sadness and from his hurt. He had always been like that with his brother. He was older. He could handle it better then Max could. Max was only four. Of course Jarred was only eight but it was different.

_The saddest car that you've ever seen_

Jarred may have put on a happy face for Max but inside he felt empty. His mother had been gone less then 3 days and he really missed her. If his sister was still alive it would have been easier. Just like Jarred had protected Max, Jennifer had protected Jarred. She had been his rock. She had been the shoulder he could lean on when he needed to lean. He just wanted to turn back the hands of time so that everything would once again be okay. Sometimes it seemed really overwhelming. He just wanted to get home, go up to his room and cry until he felt better like when he was 6 and had a bad day at school.

"Can you tell mommy I need her to hug me," Max asked

Just then a warm breeze came into the car.

"Did you feel that?"

Max nodded.

"That was mommy hugging you," Jarred said

Max got all excited. Jarred smiled to himself. He wished he was Max's age again. He would give anything to go back to a time where he didn't feel like he did now. He was at a point in his life before adulthood but unfortunately **after **childhood beyond his years. He was just a kid and at the same time he was… he had to be an adult. He had to be 'mother' to his little brother. He had to do that without Max knowing. There was too much that he didn't understand himself. There was too much he didn't want Max to understand. All sorts of thoughts crossed through his mind. It was all too confusing. Things were different now. He had to protect and guide and keep himself from crying. He had to explain and entertain and calm down and he couldn't just be a child. He was 2 halves of what was supposed to be ¼ and he was never even good at math. He rubbed his head. He was getting a splitting headache.

"Jarred," Leland said gently, "You okay?"

_I'll talk to you later about it, _he mouthed to his father. He didn't want Max to know everything was not okay. Max was the only one that was still innocent and unknowledgeable about all this. Soon enough he would have to grow up. Soon enough he would have to understand. Jarred didn't want that to be for a very long time. He didn't want it to ever happen but he definitely didn't want it happening for a very long time. Leland caught his son's message and just nodded. For Leland and Jarred it was a sad ride home.

_Your brother cannot look you in the eye_

Max felt like it was his fault that his mommy was invisible now. After all she was going to the drugstore to pick up something for his cold.

_Lightening strikes and thunder roars_

Jarred heard his brother whimpering… scared of the thunder and lightening. He ran into the room.

"Max… that thunder and lightening is mommy," he said

"NU-UH," Max contended, "MOMMY WOULDN'T BE SO SCARY"

Jarred pulled his brother into his lap and rubbed his back.

"She's yelling at your bad dreams that were going to haunt you tonight and telling them to go away"

Max sniffled.

"Oh," he said, "that makes sense. Can Jennifer talk to us?"

"Do you remember the bird we saw in the window?"

"Yes-huh?"

"That was Jennifer"

"She's pretty"

"Jennifer is always pretty," Jarred said, "and do you hear the music playing down the hall…"

_An early winter in that heart of yours_

Although Jarred put on a face that everything was okay… although he pretended to be strong… although he kept cheerfully trudging on Leland could see that Jarred was despondent and extremely downtrodden. He was proud of Jarred but at the same time he was worried about him.

_But you swear you won't let them see you cry_

If Max saw Jarred crying he would start crying himself. All Max knew was that his mommy was invisible. He didn't understand. He didn't know that he lost his mommy and she wouldn't ever come back again. It was scary and hard enough for Jarred and Jarred was eight. In a few years he would explain but not now.

_Cause all you want is mama's arms_

Jarred missed his mother's hugs. Even though there were things about her he didn't like, (IE the fact that she made them drink apple-juice) he would drink 100 bottles of apple-juice right now just to get a hug from her.

_The neighbors come and they bring you pies_

Jarred LOVED pies. His mother let them have a pie maybe 3 times a year… this year due to special circumstances but this time he couldn't care less.

_Endless words and futile sighs_

"Oh what a tragedy"

"She was so young"

"How are the boys taking it?"

"First Jennifer and now Karen… it's not fair"

_And you run up to your room and lock the door_

Jarred couldn't take it anymore. He ran upstairs to his room and locked the door.

_And there you are in your Sunday best_

Dressed in his Sunday clothes he finally cried. He cried into a pillow so Max wouldn't hear it.

_The way your mama would have had you dressed_

Watching from heaven Karen was so proud of Jarred. He was really hurting and yet at the same time he was protecting his brother.

"Mom," Jennifer said, "You okay?"

"I am," she said softly, "but I'm worried about your brothers"

"I miss them too," she said, "I missed all of you when I got here. But mom you'll see them… we'll see them again sometime"

"Do you see the way Jarred's protecting Max?"

"Like he did earlier this year too," Jennifer mused.

Karen nodded.

"Oh honey," she said, "I missed you so much you have no idea"

"No I do have an idea mom," she said, "I missed you too. But heaven is an incredible place and you'll know it soon enough"

"I do know it," Karen said, "I just wish I made it there before you"

"Hey," Jennifer laughed, "if I didn't know any better I'd be insulted"

"A parent is never supposed to burry their child," Karen said

"I know"

Karen gave her oldest child a hug. But she was still worried about her younger two.

"You can talk to them you know," Jennifer said

"In their dreams?"

"That's one way. But you can talk to them for real too"

"How?"

"I'll show you the portal," Jennifer said and led her mother to the portal.

_And you realize it doesn't matter anymore_

Jarred had just stopped crying when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Mom?"

"Oh honey… I know how hard this is for you"

"I'm so sorry mom," Jarred said, "I miss you so much"

"Jarred, look at me," she said, "I know that this is hard for you honey. I know that you are feeling a lot of pressure right now. I am so proud of you sweetheart. But you need to remember that you're just a child yourself"

"Mom shouldn't you be happy in heaven?"

"Yes Jar," Karen said, "I should be"

"So why do you seem sad?"

"Because I'm worried about you and your brother"

"We'll be fine," Jared said, "I'll take care of Max. I promise"

_Cause all you want is mama's arms_

Karen reached out and hugged her middle child and her oldest living child.

"I know baby," she said, "but it's still your responsibility to be a kid"

"I will be mommy," he said, "I promise. I miss you sooooooooooooooooo much. I just want you to be okay"

"Baby I will be okay," Karen promised rubbing Jared's back.

"It's not fair," he cried, "why do bad things happen to good people"

"I don't know," Karen admitted, "I've often asked that question"

_Round and round and round it goes_

Next Karen went into Max's room.

"Hey baby," she said

"Mommy. I can see you!"

"Yes and you always will. I may not be able to show myself like this all the time but whenever you hear the wind blowing that's me telling you I love you. There are all kinds of ways you can see me even when you can't see me. There are all kinds of ways you can hear me even when you can't hear me"

It was a short time later that Karen finally felt at peace. She knew her boys, and her man would be alright. She knew she would see them again. She could enter heaven with a clear head. She would see Jennifer and her family and her friends that had passed on before her. Before she left she went into Jared's room once more.

_To understand this is all part of some plan_

"Jared, I'm at peace now," Karen said and Jared could see she meant it

_You used to wonder what it's all about_

"I love you mom"

_Now those are question you can do without_

"I love you too Jared and I'll miss you but I'll never be far away"


End file.
